Every day I am struck by how much I have grown.

In a few days I will be 26. Already a number I never thought I’d reach, when I was a depressed teenager hopping from house to house. In all my imaginings of the future, I never expected to find such joy and love as I have now.

Last year I was in a really dark place. The day after my 25th birthday, I found myself sitting alone in the office at 10PM, writing in my journal. This is, in part, what I had to say:

”I don’t know what I’m doing. When I dream of the future I see myself helping people. But I can’t figure out how to put my own oxygen mask on, let alone help my neighbor with theirs. I am drowning. I am drowning, and everything is dark, and I don’t know which way is up. I am drowning. And all I can do is hope I’m not swimming deeper.”

When I look back at what I wrote around that time, the words feel entirely disconnected from me. I recognize I was the one who wrote them, but I’ve been free from those feelings for so long that it’s hard to imagine I was so thoroughly convinced that they were so deep and all-encompassing that I considered myself incapable of escape. I’m grateful for that. 

I’m grateful for the friends who stuck by me, who offered their patience, their kindness, and their joy for me to share when I wasn’t able to make my own. To Adi, who has helped me through three terrible relationships now. To TJ, who gave me the money to replace my stolen phone. To Tiruff, for their level-headed no-nonsense attitude. To Adrien, for being my best friend for the last decade. To the old friends I’m so lucky to get to share another wonderful year with and to all the new friends I have made this year; to my neighbors, my congregation, my family both new and old: Thank you. I love you.